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Midlife Crisis at 22

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Feb. 22nd, 2011 | 01:20 pm

I'm having a crisis.

Never mind that I'm in the middle of exams. I've picked the absolutely worst time possible to write in this thing, but I have to because I'm UPSET, and my state of mental well-being and self-satisfaction is in severe peril.

So:

I realized today that my life is completely meaningless.I feel like I have no purpose on this earth because I have not changed anything, and I'm never going to.

I think the problem is that I'm just SO non-confrontational that I've completely shunned away from everything in my life that has ever presented itself as a confrontation.

Let me explain.

I like to run, but I hate competing. As a result, I go for a "pleasant jog" by myself two or three times a week, at a very steady pace that has not changed one iota in over FIVE YEARS.

FIVE. YEARS.



I play the flute, but only recreationally. I joined the marching band in college, but only because there was no audition. I never practiced and ended up quitting my senior year because rehearsals were too long.

I have a "pretty voice" when I sing, but there's no way I could belt out like Mariah Carey or anything. I had potential, but I never took voice lessons, and I've even stopped doing it for fun.

I also like to write, but I never finish anything I start, and I get far too frustrated to attempt anything worthwhile.

I stopped going to church.

I don't make follow-up phone calls.

I procrastinate everything.

So you see what I'm saying???? I have no PASSION, no incredible talent that I've had to use along with sheer wit and cunning to drag myself out of the slums of the earth and overcome my dark past. I am mediocre to the core.. and, even worse, I'm not doing anything to try and change that. I'm just another useless piece of shit lazy American trying to live a pathetically normal life.

And I mean, what is "normal" anyway? It just means I want to do exactly what everybody else is doing. So how can I "make a difference" when I'm trying to avoid anything that's different?

I'm such a go-with-the-flow kind of person that I've dropped the paddles, and I'm not even steering my own boat anymore.

So what do I do?

Ultimately, I think one of two things can possibly happen:

1. Inspired by this realization, I will drastically change my life... set the world record marathon time, take up the flute again and practice until I'm a professional, perform three miracles and become canonized, and find the cure for cancer.

...In other words, not particularly likely.

Or...

2. Change nothing, amount to nothing, accomplish nothing. Die completely alone, surrounded by cats and abandoned by all my friends because I NEVER CALL.

So that is why I have this dilemma. I've discovered that I have nothing to show for in my life, and who the hell can study with that in mind???

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Comments {29}

Hedwig

From: hedwig_snowy
Date: Feb. 22nd, 2011 05:57 pm (UTC)
Link

Well M,

I think you may be limiting the possible outcomes for your future. :) Just a bit.

Do you want to toss away everything else and pursue a career in music? Is that what you dream about doing?

I'd wait til mid-terms are over...and maybe until the end of school before tossing such a large weight on your shoulders. Just being able to finish that takes more than enough skill.

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Margarita

From: geeterz
Date: Feb. 24th, 2011 12:22 am (UTC)
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You're right. I admit: if I ever did try to take up playing the flute again, I still wouldn't ever practice. So maybeeee a career in music isn't exactly the best.

I really am happy with my life right now and everything. It's just... well, sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough.

But I promise if I ever curse cancer or set the world record marathon time, you will be the first to know about it. :)

Reply | Parent | Thread


Hedwig

From: hedwig_snowy
Date: Feb. 24th, 2011 04:26 am (UTC)
Link

You haven't cured cancer yet??!??!?

Slacker!

I'm so disappointed!!!

Come on, give yourself a break. Finish school...enjoy it...and then get depressed because the airhead in your Freshman English class lucked into the Nobel Prize!!!

;)

Don't sweat it. You're doing fine. Seriously.

Reply | Parent | Thread


*~Kristen*~

From: aries11
Date: Feb. 22nd, 2011 06:37 pm (UTC)
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Honey, do you know how many times I had this conversation with myself when I was your age? A LOT! You're in a transitional phase of your life. Questioning everything about your life and doubting that anything good can come of it are part of the process.

You are NOT lazy, dumb, pathetic or any of the things you might think you are. You're a strong, intelligent, independent, free-spirited young woman. I've known you since you were an itty bitty high school freshman, and even back then you were mature beyond your years. Do you know what else? You had drive, ambition and passion. You had dreams, and you wanted to accomplish them.

If there's one lesson I've learned over the last couple years, it's that if you want to see change happen, you have to make one for yourself. It's why I moved to Chicago. I wasn't going to just get handed a job and my own place to live. I had to make something happen for myself to get me there. That's what you need to do. You don't have to change the entire world overnight, but you have to start somewhere. I suggest you start by looking back over all those things you listed and figure out which one would be the easiest to start up again on a small scale. You know, instead of going for a pleasure jog, make it a pleasure run. Start calling your friends, or sending them Facebook messages, whatever, and make plans to see them.

I agree with hedwig_snowy that you should save the major stress for after midterms, or maybe even the end of the school year. Just keep all that I said in mind. :)

*hugs*

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Margarita

From: geeterz
Date: Feb. 24th, 2011 12:16 am (UTC)
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You are so good to me, Kristen. You always have been. And, as always, you understand me perfectly.

It feels like SO LONG AGO since we met when I was in high school, doesn't it? Time flies so quickly.

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement as always. :) I think I'm going to start writing again when exams are over... just a little bit, here and there whenever I have time. And, of course, only short things. But I'll send you the first thing I finish.

I miss you. I hope things are going well in Chicago.. and that you haven't frozen to death yet.

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Meg

From: bambooanime
Date: Feb. 22nd, 2011 07:22 pm (UTC)
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I'm only 2 years older than you and I understand all too well. What got me out of it was my boyfriend is moving to Utica, a town an hour and a half away for a job. I decided I was getting sick of having roommates that basically leave all the cleaning in the house to me. So I'm moving out there with him and praying that in 2 hours I'll get the phone call that tells me I'm an assistant manager at the Journeys up there.

What got me started on that path, believe it or not, was going to therapy before I met my boyfriend. Talking to an impartial person can help a lot, and most colleges offer free therapy. I am forever grateful I went.

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Margarita

From: geeterz
Date: Feb. 24th, 2011 12:16 am (UTC)
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Thanks, girl. :)

And good luck with your boyfriend and the move!

Reply | Parent | Thread


From: jazzyjello
Date: Feb. 23rd, 2011 08:12 pm (UTC)
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Hey Margarita. What's up. I feel like I've been struggling with a lot of this too. Like I too like to write, a lot, but I can never get serious about it. It's kind of sad...I start novels and abandon them. I want to be more artistic, but don't spend the time drawing...I don't even run any more, but I really want to, and I want to start up again once it gets warmer. I guess you just have to decide to act instead of just THINKING about it. You do too have passions and you do have a lot to show for yourself...you stuck with flute much longer than I did and you're in freaking MED SCHOOL. The fact that you're thinking about all this shows that you care more than the average mediocre American. Most people just go to school, get a job, go to work, come home, watch tv, and then they're 50 and haven't done anything. Anyway if you ever want to talk I'm on facebook or here or wherever. You're awesome.
Katie

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Margarita

From: geeterz
Date: Feb. 24th, 2011 12:17 am (UTC)
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:) Thanks Katie.

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Margarita

From: geeterz
Date: Sep. 22nd, 2011 06:07 am (UTC)
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Gracias! Hace rato que no escribo, pero voy a intentar hacerlo un poco más. A ver si me motivo...

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