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I I Were God...

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Sep. 28th, 2011 | 05:24 pm

I decided today that if I were God, the very first thing that I would do - besides eradicate poverty and cancer and delegate all world power to the stray cats of the world - is completely abolish early mornings.

And I would also like to find the idiot who came up with the idea of getting up before eight o'clock AM and condemn him to hell for all of eternity.

Because... seriously. Why would that EVER be a good idea?

First of all, there's that terrible sinking feeling of disappointment when your alarm clock goes off with that HORRIBLE annoying beeping sound, because not only is your bed SO WARM and SO SOFT, but you were in the middle of this INCREDIBLE dream involving Matt Damon, and it's just a miserable reminder of all the stuff you have to do today, and why am I still bothering with this whole medical school thing anyway, since Matty-poo and I already agreed to run away together to live on the beach?

Wait, Matt Damon was just a dream. Damn.

Worse yet is when you have to wake someone else up and subsequently ruin their beautiful dreams, too.

For example... my roommate Camila and I have developed a teamwork system of checks and balances on the weekdays in order to make sure both of us get up on time; if one of us sleeps through her alarm, the other one takes responsibility to wake her up. Usually I wait until 7:30 AM. If Camila's light isn't on by then I go knock on her bedroom door.

In July, we both woke up easily every morning. And we were damn cheerful about it, too.

In August, it got a little harder. And not as cheerful.

And now... this morning.

I knocked on Camila's door at 7:32. I really hate doing it. So I try to make it as quick and painless as possible. Two knocks first, and if she doesn't reply, I knock two more times, a little louder, until she says "voy!" which means she's awake.

So. 7:32.

Knock knock.


Knock knock. A little louder.

Still silence.


And then finally, she said "vooooy" in this heartwrenching exhausted broken voice that sounded to me like I was splitting her very soul into two pieces. Or like she was a ruthlessly tortured war prisoner. In that single word, she somehow communicated to me that "I-haven't-slept-in-a-week-please-leave-me-alone" and "I-sort-of-want-to-kill-you-but-I-really-don't-have-the-energy-right-now."

I felt so GUILTY, like I was some sort of sadist or something. Poor Camila.

I also think that many of the world's major problems could be solved if we were all just given a few more hours of sleep every night. Maybe people would make fewer careless mistakes at work. Maybe people would care more about world issues. And maybe people wouldn't do stupid things like invade Russia in the winter, or enslave an entire race of people, or elect George Bush as president.*

Although then again, that's probably too much to hope. Some people are just stupid to begin with, and no amount of sleep will ever help them.

ANYWAY, my point is...

I am not a morning person. And in my hypothetical Ten Commandments, nothing would ever start before noon. Amen.

*Sorry, Republicans. I couldn't help it.